Take a Number

As a teacher of high school students, I’ve heard my fair share of excuses. There is no worse day at school for excuses, however, than the day the senior research paper is due. It’s been a while since I’ve taught senior English class that requires a traditional research paper, but research paper d-day, and all of the excuses and explanations that accompany the line-up of empty handed students has left an indelible mark in my brain. On one of those days, after experiencing the “excuse round up” for a couple of years, I felt like telling the kids in line at my desk to take a number, like when the deli counter is too busy, and just sit down, I would get to each student’s slice of his or her unique story for why the paper wasn’t awaiting my eyes to read as soon as I could.

Then I stopped myself. Why was I engaging and indulging these kids in their excuse making? Why was it taking up half of a forty minute block of learning time? What a waste! What was I teaching them? The paper is still late no matter how awesomely contrived the story is (oh and some of them were really good), so what did it matter if I heard the excuse or not? It was always awkward anyway. Some kids would fidget through a story, some giggled the whole time, others would produce actual tears, and I would just nod my head and in my most monotone, disingenuous voice say, “I’m sorry that happened. Turn it in as soon as you get it done. You know it’s late no matter what, right?” Ugh! Agonizing!!

So at my breaking point, I stared down the serpentine line of kids winding its way from my desk back to the door of my classroom, and instead of having them take a number for me to listen to their stories, I had them take a number of a different sort. I got up from my desk, shooed the kids back to their seats, took up a piece of chalk and composed a list that looked something like this:

1. My printer broke.
2. I’m done. I just have to write the conclusion and do the Works Cited page.
3. My computer crashed.
4. My computer crashed AND my printer broke.
5. It’s in my car and “they” won’t let me out to get it.
6. Ummm, I just found out we had to put research in the paper.
7. My printer ran out of ink. Look! I brought you the blank pages.
8. I had baseball, soccer, softball, volleyball, football, basketball, track, AND wrestling practice last night.
9. I changed my topic yesterday.
10. My dog ate it. For real. Here are the scraps.

I turned and smiled at my students. I said, “Pick a number.” They looked at me and we all started laughing. Excuses are comical - - especially when grouped together in a big old list. There is no doubt that writing a research paper can be a challenge. It’s out of the comfort zone for a lot of people, and when we feel uneasy or forced to confront a situation with which we are uncomfortable, we make excuses to rationalize why we just can’t get it done and why an easier task is much more suitable.

The other day, I was talking with Darth Vader about why I wasn’t going running. “It’s just too hot,” I said. “I mean, when the sun is beating down, my body just doesn’t respond. I shut down! I need clouds.”

“Uh, I hate to break it to you, but I’m pretty sure everybody feels that way, Kelly. Go on the treadmill.”

“Ugh. I don’t want to! I hate the treadmill, especially when it is so nice outside.”

Hmph.

Yesterday, I was talking to my cousin about the same thing. She totally agreed. “Oh yeah, I can’t run when it’s super hot either - - especially when the sun is out.”

Yes! See? I’m not crazy after all! “Yeah, like sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me.”

“Uh, I think everybody feels that way, Kelly. I just go on my treadmill.”

SNAP!

It turns out that I am a classic excuse maker, especially when it comes to running, which brings me to why I was thinking about the research paper excuse list. Running, despite the fact that it has been a part of my life since about fourth grade, is still out of my comfort zone. I want it to be less difficult than it is. I see people out there running on 90 degree days, and I think that they are having an easier time than I would. They’re not. Running is hard and uncomfortable - - literally and figuratively - - for everyone. As the adage goes, “If it were easy, then everyone would do it.” Duh. I make excuses all the time to rationalize in my mind the reasons that I should do something easier - - like recline and read a book. (I mean I AM an English teacher after all.)

So I’ve decided to compose my own excuse list and tell myself to pick a number when I don’t want to go running. After all, it doesn’t matter what the excuse actually is. I could say, “It’s too hot,” or I could just say, “Number 2.” Both groups of words mean: “I am afraid to push myself. I am uncomfortable with being uncomfortable.” My hope is that I will look at it and laugh at myself when I realize how ridiculous my excuses sound when lumped together - - like my students and their missing research paper reasons. I will probably share this list eventually so you can laugh at me, too. Chances are I will eventually come up with a way to rationalize why the whole list is completely valid. Change is hard!!